Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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