chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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