I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
