Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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