I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
