The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
