What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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