Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
