Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
