youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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