weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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