I think my fart just growled at me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
