He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
