you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
