My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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