Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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