dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
