when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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