Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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