Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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