I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
