this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
