Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize