the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
