If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
