yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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