everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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