I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
