Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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