i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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