i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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