we have officially lost it.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
