Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
