it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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