Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
