Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize