haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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