feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
