I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
