This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
