Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
