I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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