god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
