isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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