I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
