Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize