I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
