Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
