We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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