Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what? who is this?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant

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