I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
