I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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