i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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