do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
