you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
