Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
