i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
