I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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