You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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